Five sequels, remakes I’d like to see

5 sequels I’d like to see:

Gremlins 3

Roger Rabbit II

The Road to Oz

The Incredibles 2

Planet of the Apes 2 (with Mark Wahlberg — yes, I actually liked it)

Five movies that fell into the wrong hands

Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
Directed by Rob Marshall
Written by Robin Swicord

Mr. Spielberg, why did you let this one go? Your friend Rob Marshall just didn’t have the experience, or the proper instincts, to make Memoirs of a Geisha the epic masterpiece it could have been. When we hear John Williams’ strings swell during Sayuri’s scenes of heartbreak, we don’t cry; instead, we think of you and what you would have done with Memoirs if you had remained on board as director. No doubt it would have been another classic tearjerker in your repertoire, and one of the rare literary adaptations that actually lives up to its source. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. We understand that you were busy with Minority Report and Munich. Maybe someday Hollywood will remake Memoirs with actual Japanese actors.

Superman Returns (2006)
Directed by Bryan Singer
Written by Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris

It was to be directed by Tim Burton, who had reportedly dropped out because development, which began in 1994, just took way too long. Nearly a decade later, X-Men helmer Bryan Singer took the reigns. It was an uninspired choice. The first 45 minutes of Singer’s Superman Returns will remind you of Richard Donner’s whimsical 1978 incarnation, but it will also remind you that the movie you’re watching now is a laborious imitation. With every frame, you can feel Singer’s urge to please his audience, and to a certain extent, he does, with the obligatory Superman moments (Superman rescues a plane, Superman stops a bank robbery, Superman sees through Lois Lane’s panties, etc), comic book soap opera (is Lois still in love with Superman?), and a bombastic John Williams-esque score. But unlike character-driven, emotionally compelling superhero films like Batman Begins and Spider-Man 2, Superman Returns finally reveals itself as nothing more than a standard action pic. And Kate Bosworth as the Pulitzer prize-winning Lois Lane is a puzzling choice; she looks like a little girl playing grown-up. Ultimately, that’s what this movie is: one big, exhausting game of pretend.

Godzilla (1998)
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

Another one that slipped out of Tim Burton’s hands. He was reportedly one of the directors who had been tapped to helm the American version of one of the world’s most famous monsters. After Burton left the project, Jan De Bont (Speed) was enlisted, and screenwriters Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio (Pirates of the Caribbean) were brought on board. But Sony Pictures balked at De Bont’s estimated budget of $120 million; De Bont walked off and Sony turned to Emmerich and Devlin, the creators of Independence Day. It’s painful to imagine what great heights the film could have achieved under the direction of a talented action director like De Bont, and it’s even more painful to imagine what Burton, the madly gifted creator of Edward Scissorhands, could have done with the giant creature. A movie that had potential to become one of the greatest monster flicks of all time ended up as one of the most embarrassing flops in American cinema.

Scream 3 (2000)
Directed by Wes Craven
Written by Ehren Kruger

It fell into the hands of the wrong screenwriter. Creator Kevin Williamson was busy juggling multiple projects, so producers Bob and Harvey Weinsten hired Ehren Kruger, who was then a newbie, to pen this one. The result was a weak finale to the horror trilogy and an unimpressive overall domestic box-office gross — $89 million. Kruger’s screenplay was bereft of the clever verbal play Williamson so effortlessly crafted in the first two films. What was also striking was the stark differences between Kruger and Williamson in the way they stage scenes of horror. Kruger kills minor characters with a brief setup, followed by a quick game of hide-n-seek, then a sudden, out-of-nowhere stab; Williamson starts with an unexpected set-up, slowly builds tension through several nerve-racking obstacles, then slashes the victim just when we believe they’re going to escape. Compare the slasher scenes in Scream 3 with the ones in Scream 2 and you’ll see what I mean. Kruger isn’t a horrible writer; he’s actually quite talented — his script Arlington Road won the Nicholl Fellowhip in 1999 — but he was clearly the wrong guy to write Scream 3.

The Mummy (1999)
Directed by Stephen Sommers
Written by Stephen Sommers

What was once a classic horror character played by Boris Karloff is now the villain of a cheesy CGI-infested Indiana Jones rip-off. Sure, Sommers made Universal Pictures a ton of money, but a more talented director could have easily done the same. Joe Dante and George Romero were reportedly attached at one point; imagine how much more inspired, more visionary The Mummy could have been! Sommers is a director who evidently thrives on unoriginality (see Deep Rising, Van Helsing and The Mummy Returns), and he has certainly made a good living producing derivative crap, but must we settle for this? If the studios can’t survive without a Stephen Sommers picture, then at least find him a decent screenwriter, because the one thing that’s worse than a bad director is a bad director directing a movie he wrote.

What other movies do you think fell into the wrong hands?

Who is the next Spielberg? (Pt. 2)

 

J.J. Abrams

The producer of Lost, Fringe and Alias packs his stories with so many delicious twists and turns he makes M. Night Shyamalan look like an amateur. Abrams directed Mission: Impossible III, and though the movie isn’t exactly Raiders of the Lost Ark, it’s a solid demonstration of pure, unadulterated storytelling. He also produced Cloverfield, the inventive monster pic that could have easily been conjured up by Spielberg himself. Even his TV college drama Felicity, which catapulted young actress Keri Russell into stardom, was an innovative and unpredictable creation. What Abrams shares with Spielberg, besides an obvious passion for science fiction, is a penchant for sentimentality; but unlike the director of The Color Purple, he doesn’t try to force us into tears. And, like Spielberg, Abrams’ most dominant themes are about family — though not always in the literal sense; the castaways in Lost form a familial bond tighter than their relationships with their own blood. In May, Abrams will unveil his revisionist Star Trek, a reboot of a dying franchise that, if successful, could certify him as the next Steven Spielberg.

Runners-up:

Peter Jackson

You could argue that Jackson, 47, is too old to be the next Spielberg, 62, but the director was just 14 years old when Jaws was released in 1977. He’s no doubt the most powerful of the three listed here, as well as the most “Spielbergian.” In fact, the guy is collaborating with Spielberg himself, on a big screen adaptation of the comic strip character Tin Tin.

Brad Bird

The director of Iron Giant, The Incredibles and Ratatouille seems to have storytelling built into his genes. The guy can do no wrong. His films are universal, intricately crafted and surprisingly deep. His next film is 1906, about the great San Francisco earthquake, based on a novel by James Dalessandro.

Top 10 Movies I Hate

 

1. The Postman (1997) Kevin Costner’s futuristic mailman epic is so mind-bogglingly inept, and such a colossal waste of time, that to this day I can’t fathom why I didn’t walk out of the theater. The movie’s self-proclaimed heroism — Look! Dances with Wolves is delivering our mail! — along with James Newton Howard’s “heroic” score, is cringe-inducing and embarrassingly over-the-top.

2. Batman & Robin (1997) The one everybody loves to hate. Director Joel Schumacher had already tested Batman and Tim Burton fans’ limits when he turned the franchise into cheesy psychedelic “pop” with Batman Forever. But with Batman & Robin, Schumacher delivered not Batman but the worst gay pride parade ever.

3. Godzilla (1998) One of the world’s most famous big-screen monsters was Americanized by German director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day) in this regrettable Hollywood “blockbuster.” The film is packed with everything from unfunny Siskel & Ebert jokes to giant Alien-like eggs to baby Godzilla-raptors. The script, by Emmerich and frequent collaborator Dean Devlin, could have been penned by overly ambitious high school nerds.

4. Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999) Look past the brand name and you’ll see that Menace is nothing more than a plodding, misconceived $115 million student film. Is it any wonder why? Lucas had been out of the director’s chair for over two decades. Two decades! And why does Natalie Portman have an on-and-off pseudo-British accent?

5. Pearl Harbor (2000) The quintessential Michael Bay movie. Explosions and romance against a backdrop of … explosions. A historical tragedy was turned into an insulting attempt at Titanic-meets-Saving Private Ryan. Faux-patriotic garbage.

6. Alien Vs. Predator (2004) Two well-established franchises were handed over to one of the worst directors in Hollywood, next to Michael Bay, and turned into a tedious sci-fi wrestling match. Paul W.S. Anderson has a puzzling inability to create scenes of geniune suspense. We might as well be watching two grown men dressed up in cheap rubber Halloween costumes.

7. Someone Like You (2001) An unromantic comedy starring Ashley Judd and Hugh Jackman. How two attractive performers could fail so miserably at chemistry is a conundrum. But then again, the script, too, is a sophomoric affair; the filmmakers try to convince us of the couples’ love while forgetting the most vital element in all classic romantic comedies: romance.

8. Con Air (1997) This testosterone pill is a guilty pleasure for most, but I found it an insufferable piece of crap. The director, Simon West, presents us with his idea of an action movie rather than an action movie. Guns, explosions, overtly masculine men — the only thing that’s missing is a director who knows what he’s doing.

9. Hanging Up (1999) Nora Ephron’s half-hearted homage to sisterhood was a waste of time and talent. It’s strange how un-cinematic the proceedings are, especially with a cast that includes Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan, and Lisa Kudrow. It’s as if Ephron picked up scrap pieces from an unwanted film, assembled it into an incohorent home video, and tried to pass it off as a movie.

10. A Christmas Story (1983) Call me Scrooge, but if even if I were a kid, I wouldn’t find anything remotely endearing about this so-called classic. I remain baffled at its popularity. The story — if you can call it that — is hokey and episodic, more suitable for a third-rate TV movie. Is Ralphie going to get his BB gun? Who cares?

Five films that inspire me

1. American Beauty Alan Ball’s screenplay is more than just another dark suburban satire; it’s a penetrating look at who we are as human beings. Ball and director Sam Mendes present to us a mirror of our own fallacies and desires, while reminding us that there is much more than what we see on the surface. “Look closer” is the film’s tag line, and it sums it up perfectly.

2. Rudy It makes me cry almost every time. Rudy (Sean Astin), the short, underdog football player who was told by almost everyone he knew that he would never succeed, represents the dreamer in all of us. But most importantly, he’s also the doer, and watching Rudy overcome almost every obstacle he faces, I always feel as though I, too, can accomplish anything.

3. Jerry Maguire Cameron Crowe’s multi-layered movie is almost as complex, joyous and beautiful as life itself. It’s also incredibly funny. Jerry Maguire faces failure, heartache and adversity, but the one thing that keeps him from becoming who he wants to be is himself. “Good at friendship, bad at intimacy, ” one of his ex-girlfriends quip. But in truth Maguire was never really “bad” at intimacy. He never had the chance to experience it. Crowe shows us the good things that can happen when we think with our hearts rather than our brain.

4. Before Sunrise Sometimes when I feel lonely or depressed, this film cheers me up. Read my previous post about this film and its sequel.

5. Waking Life It’s like sitting down with one of your intellectual, philosopher friends and soaking up everything he or she has to say about life. Richard Linklater, the director, enlightens us and makes us think. When I first watched the film several years ago in San Francisco, I left the theater feeling like my life had just changed. It was an experience I still can’t quite articulate. Maybe the title says it all.